Fast-Forward Please

I would be perfectly content with not living this part of my life. I could happily hit the fast-forward button and whiz by without a regret; on to less emotional, more enjoyable parts of life. I suppose I could use the old cliche, "this is a test" and it would be true. I have learned a lot in recent months and weeks and here is my opportunity it put it to the test, when things seem shitty. I know the rules; live for the moment, every minute I spend angry and negative is a minute of my life I won't get back, this one thing doesn't ruin everything else that is good, blah blah blah. It sounds a whole lot easier to me to grab that gallon of Captain, order in a couple of pizzas from Pizza Hut, drink myself silly, eat myself sick, and call it a night.

Today I've forgotten why the hard work is so worth it, today I've lost sight of the vision that I live for. Today I feel alone. Those I love are a million miles away...okay so Idaho isn't a million miles but Ohio is close to it. Sure, I could make new friends and that would be dandy but right now I just want mine; nothing can take their place. And in the search for a new friend who knows what I'll find, I'm not good at that. And what about the one I gave up on, a relationship that ended months ago now feels like a devastating loss.

I sense the very real possibility of bitterness on the horizon. It would be so easy to be bitter and angry, and that would take away my responsibility to deal with life and move on. Bitterness is easy to come by for me these days as I sit at home and stare at a computer screen or watch that movie for the trillionth time. It could be considered a pitiful life when your social excitement is going to the plasma donation center twice a week.

Truth, I feel I've lost my balance and my strength. I had done well, kept it together, but I may not have that anymore. I don't think I want to give up. I have traveled far and worked hard to get there. Something may have broken that part of me that cares...then again maybe not.