i'm goin' to jackson...

over dinner in ohio nearly two months ago, john and cammy invited me to join them for part of their october trip to jackson, wyoming. boy was i honored. this was just before we adopted each other. they are my newest aunt and uncle. funny thing is, they were certain i would find some reason to bail. i guess this was before we'd spent enough time together for them to know me. i was going to be there and i was stoked.

october 16th rolled around. i took my loved ones to the salt lake airport, stopped at home to shower and load my things, and i was off. goin' to jackson, as johnny cash would say. well, there was one small delay: by the time i was heading out of town it was 10:30 am and I was starving. i reasoned that i would make a quick stop at subway before heading up the canyon. i walked out of subway with my food in hand, and a gallon of coke for the drive, of course. as i reached in my pocket for my keys, they weren't there. i audibly said, "this is not good." i then peeked in the window of my jeep and saw my beloved keys dangling from the ignition. damn it. there was my phone sitting on the center console, gps telling me where to go. damn it. so i hooofed it a few blocks to jonna's house and she helped me get things straightened out. at 11:30 I was finally on my way.

i met up with john and cammy at the snake river brewing company. we drank some real good beer while watching the hawkeyes slime michigan (my apologies to the neighbor of john and cammy who is a big michigan fan). we then made our way to teton village where we were staying at the four seasons. it was a little better than the super 8, but no big deal really. IT WAS SO AWESOME! we hot tubbed, watched some tv, drank more good beer and ate some good food. i love laughing cow.

sunday was great. we hiked around part of jenny lake. i fell in. that was great too. provided some good laughs and quite the jovial spirit for the group. it was particularly funny that almost as if queued john had said, "if you fall in i'm gonna laugh my ass off." finishing the sentence at the exact moment that i fell in. life sure can be funny sometimes. and funnier still that after the incident cammy did what any good person would do and stood on the dock 50 feet away taking pictures with both of our cameras. thank you cammy for not allowing that moment to pass by uncaptured. after hiking we cleaned ourselves up for a night on the town that began at the million dollar cowboy bar and then we met up with abigail and howie at the wort for dinner and yep, you guessed it, more drinks. then, there we were, minding our own business. driving out to the village. when we nearly hit an elk standing on the side of the road. i somehow missed the obvious animal in the middle of our path (i'll blame it on the dark) so cammy turned around and drove back. as she turned around i saw what seemed like a million little eyeballs staring at us in the meadow. "no way! there are a bunch of them standing in the meadow on the side of the road!" i yelled that, i'm sure. so cammy pointed the car at the meadow and shined her brights and sure enough...we saw a shitload of elk! it was SO cool.

monday was the dreaded, last day. we got up early. drove through the tetons. on to yellowstone. saw some more elk...but not a shitload. we saw old faithful. hiked to inspiration point. not to be confused with the inspiration point that we had hiked to the day before in the tetons. turns out there are a lot of inspiration points around here. it's easy to see why. i was inspired to say the least. after seeing old faithful blow his top one more time we headed to the only food joint open up there this time of year and got some beer and food. then it was the drive back to teton village. i napped most of the way. until we had to stop and get ice for cammy's bad knee. things got pretty exciting after that. then we saw a bear on the side of the road. well, john saw it first. i was looking in the wrong direction. then i got out of the car to get a closer look...with no shoes on. it seemed like a good idea, or maybe i was just overcome with excitement because we'd been looking for this all day. and i'm really glad we met that lady from steamboat springs. she was cute as a button, and funny. she knew how to keep those old ladies from alabama in line. when we got back to the village there was hot tub time, cocktails, beer, even a shot at the hotel bar. Then we met up with jacksons best at pica's. that was loads of fun. we pretty much planned the blueprint of my life out that night over some margaritas and dos equis. thanks guys. my last night in the princess bed with cable tv. i wanted to savor every minute. i bet that bed misses me as much as i miss it. i am certain.


tuesday morning i rose bright and early to get back to the office at noon. thank you john for getting my car so early in the morning. i forgot to tip you! check's in the mail. the drive home was beautiful. is it sick that i love driving so much? i think it makes a difference that i'm usually driving in some of the worlds most beautiful places. i started out well before the sun came up. so i had some quiet driving in the dark, watched the sun rise, and then started seeing some awesome wildlife. first there was a moose and her calf in a stream. then, about 20 miles down the road on a sun drenched hillside this beautiful bull was watching the world pass by. made my day. a moose was the only wildlife we had sought but not found while i was in jackson. i hoped john and cammy would have a moose sighting too. i wanted their trip to be as complete as mine.

i read somewhere...

that it's not as important to be strong as it is to feel strong.

it was a saturday in mid-october and there i was driving to jackson, wyoming. i had no idea what was in store for me. no idea just how good my life would be for three days. no idea what i would get back while i was in jackson.

2010 has seemed like a series of events gone bad. almost from its beginning. slowly i felt as though i began to break. perhaps i was the only one trying for good, i doubt it...but perhaps. that didn't make sense. eventually i quit trying so hard. quit hoping. i didn't feel passionate about life anymore. i was no longer stoked for the limitless future ahead of me. i felt like the me i knew was lost. after nearly a year without feeling like myself i wondered if i had been lost forever. the person i had worked so hard to become had just slipped away. jackson said this wasn't so.

in jackson i saw beauty that can't be matched. i saw things that are not only seen with the eyes but felt with the heart. things that move your soul. even a lost soul. i felt the majesty of the tetons. i was moved by the beauty of fresh snow on teton peak and the stillness of jenny lake. nature gave me a magic that i can't describe. nature brought the brooke i've been searching for back to life.

for three days i lived. i lived free and happy. for three days i planned for my future. i dreamed again. i felt joy and excitement. for three days i found the part of me that i feared had been permanently lost. it's there. and when this crazy life is sorted out, it will still be there under all of the disappointments of 2010, ready to live again.

so, to uncle john and aunt cammy...thank you for jackson.

this may be a little too personal for a blog, but it's my blog and this is my life, sue me. i feel broken. i don't know what to do. i'm a little scared, but mostly i feel defeated. i don't want sympathy, i want to feel normal. i don't like this. i feel as though my biggest fears are becoming reality. i feel like perhaps this is all a waste of time. those are my measly thoughts on a thursday morning.

try to make your heart fit like a glove, what it needs is love love love

those are words to a song. a song that is on the movie Ramona & Beezus. said movie was great, moving, cute, all the things you want in a movie about ramona quimby...my childhood hero. i digress, this post is nothing about ramona quimby, movies, or even my childhood. this post is about love. like the for real kind of love. the permanent, no-matter-what kind. for so many reasons this has been the subject of my thoughts for the past couple of weeks.

november 17th is just around the corner. barely more than a month away. i. miss. kara. like crazy. anyone who ever knew her does. that's a given. she was a good person. a really good person. i think the heart learns something about love when someone so dear is lost. i know mine did. i think about kara every day but this time of year her memory and love are felt with even more strength.

there's so much more.

loved ones arrived in utah today. they'll be in town for a few days. couldn't have been more timely. this may be a lifesaver, and i'm not talking about the hard fruit-flavored candy with a hole in the middle. i guess things happen the way they should.

there's even more but some things must remain sacred. i'm off to feed the cat...

I can't believe I didn't write about this...

I WENT TO A BEN LEE CONCERT!!!

On September 17th, 13 days after my actual birthday, we celebrated again...you're shocked, I know. My friends wore party hats to the Ben Lee/Fun concert. That made me happy. And I needed help with that, it was a bad day at the office.
This is the only picture I got of Fun (formerly The Format). Not sure who the nerd with their hand in my picture is...

The birthday cake for that particular party. Fitting for the day. Thanks Jaymee.

One of my favorite little kiddos. Liza celebrating my birthday with me.