Wednesday, July 28, 2010

please won't you walk with me

isn't it interesting in a time of turmoil how love changes things.
how you feel alone and scared.
then.
in an instant.
you're reminded of a love you already knew, your heart is softened.
and warm.
again you know the feeling of safety, trust, understanding, acceptance.
for me.
what's important in life has changed.
i've watched loved ones suffer with lives cut short.
now i have a different perspective of what's important.
i lived most of my life without a love i could trust.
now i have that.
behind my back.
no matter what.

Not your year...again

I said it six months ago. I still feel the same way. So it's probably safe to say again. It's not my year. When I said that to a cop this morning he let me go without a ticket. So it's been a positive in that regard. But I'd really rather be happy and enjoying life and still have that ticket to pay then to be able to dodge a citation out of pity. Really. How lame.

Yesterday pretty much sucked. That's really the only way to describe it. Well, until 6pm then the night was awesome. But I'll get to that. All in due time. And just to warn you before you waste your time reading this: I'm still complaining about the same things I've been complaining about for a while now. You won't discover much to be new in this post but I'm doing it here so I can refrain from bitching about life outloud and in real life. So yesterday sucked. Most days at work do. I'd like to hope for the best but the frustration becomes more than I can take at times. I've tried. That's really more my style. I've always been a pretty proactive person. Hell, how do you think I got to where I am? I'm starting to wonder if it's hopeless here, in this job. I don't want to leave the company. It's great. The people are great. But where I fall on the corporate ladder is at the bottom. Being on the bottom isn't great. Because when shit falls...it lands on the bottom. Get it? So now I'm to that point in a grown-ups life where I have to figure out how to fix the things in my life that aren't working. Do I get a new job? I don't want to. I'd really rather stick it out and wait for another opportunity to arise within the company. I love this company and really have a lot to offer. I will be a big success here. But how long is worth waiting for that elusive opportunity? And at what cost will I hold out and wait hoping that something I'm qualified for comes around? I used to think it was worth it. Now I wonder.

Yesterday I discovered an opportunity that is worth pursuing. Keen is hiring a customer service rep. That's me. The job is almost a carbon copy of what I do here. And Keen is in Portland. One of the cities on my list of places to live before I die. Seems perfect. I've heard a lot of positive things about the work atmostphere there. Sounds a lot like Backcountry.com. Boy do I ever miss it there. My single reservation about moving to Portland? My BFF and rent-a-parents are in Utah. Yikes! My BFF and I will be like the sky with no moon if I move away. My rent-a-parents...well, for the six months out of the year that they don't live here I miss them like crazy. Am I prepared to live for 12 months out of the year without them?

I officially hate being an adult. I hate being responsible for myself, my happiness and my well being. Why can't I just sit back and be miserable and help those around me feel the same misery? That's not my style. I feel like I need to take action. But the action I've found seems to be BIG action. Hard. Life is hard.

In other news: I had dinner with Mrs. Mullin's mom last night. Jane. She was great. We laughed ourselves silly. She is a genuinely good human being. I picked Jane and her sister Linnie up at their hotel in North Salt Lake. We went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. Yum. The 3 of us shared a slab of ribs. And we all had a real tall beer. We took pictures, laughed, told stories, and laughed some more. I had a great time with them and I am pleased as punch that Kathy orchestrated the whole thing.

Braymee Allen will be reunited Friday eve. I can't wait for that. It's been waaaaaay too long. We're going to a Peter Breinholt concert. That will be more fun than I can convey on these pages.

I must leave you for now. If you left this depresessed...I'm sorry. Don't take an oxycodone to numb the pain, it doesn't work. Have a nice life and I hope your year is going better than mine.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

you've got my back when i need help

today's been a sad day. my boss is leaving. it's a good move for her. i'm happy for that. but a severe loss for myself and the company. i'm sad for that.

you see. life at work before megan (pronounced MEEGAN, not maygun) went a little something like this: there was someone in charge. a customer service manager. world's worst...possibly ever. and then we got the opposite. world's best...possibly ever. and to top it off we became friends.

now megan and her family are moving to germany. really. a great opportunity and tons of fun for them. but i will miss her. a whole hell of a lot. like so much that i've cried several times today. tomorrow is her last day. i'll bring her butter mints for breakfast. even though she doesn't like them. but simply because she gave me hell every morning for eating them. i'll miss that. i'll miss her cute little kids too.

life at work will not be the same. thank you for being a great friend to me megan. oh and ps...we'll still be friends while you're in germany.

Monday, July 19, 2010

did i just hear you say...

today i thought about things here. check it out. enjoy it. laugh at it. be inspired by it. or don't. it's your life.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

i never though i would live like this...

i'm still in awe...

on the docket for wednesday was a company picnic from 11-1, a mountain bike ride with naftulin at 4:30, and that was it. typical wednesday.

instead. reality held this: the company picnic started at 11. we played games, sat in the sun, enjoyed being out of the office, and ate good food. After we ate mike dowse (as in the president of the company) thanked everyone for coming and read off the names drawn in the raffle. i didn't win. then he announced the arrival of sammy carlson who had just arrived after riding his bike from hood river, oregon to ogden. literally pulling into town as we headed to the picnic. i passed them on washington. gave me goosebumps. after a small lull in activity mike took his post atop the picnic table once more..."i'll cut a deal with you guys. if you help the events committee clean up here you can have the rest of the afternoon off." yes, it was only 12:45pm! i've never seen 100 people clean anything up so fast. it was great. i only wish it weren't inappropriate to hug a man of prestige.

at that announcement naftulin invited me to go with her, sammy, and the other biker boys to the salomon center to play for the afternoon. of course i was in. i had a great time watching them at the flowrider indoor wave. sammy sure picked that up quick. i guess when you're a pro athlete those kinds of things come a bit easier.

naftulin and i decided against the bike ride. with all of the other activity it seemed like a bit much to try and pack it into the day. not to mention...the ride we had planned was mostly in the sun and at a scorching 85 degrees in mid afternoon we weren't really feelin' it. at 3pm i headed home. thought a good movie, a nap, some writing, and a baked potatoe was in order. of all those things a nap was the only thing i managed to successfully complete. fell asleep when i got home at 3 and after sleeping through my alarm this morning woke up at 6:23am. just in time to shower and get to work. no speeding ticket this time.

the harvest left no fruit for you to eat.

tuesday night i turned down $1.50 tacos and pomegranate margaritas at sonora for tv. yes, you heard me right. this was a show not to be missed. dealiest catch. the episode in which captain phil dies. the episode in which jake decides to go to rehab. the episode in which clint is fired from the kodiak. i cou'dn't miss this episode. or time with two of my favorite kids.

the night ended best when i got a call from alaska. best phone call ever. i miss them. a lot.

guess who, operation, texts from the cutest of boys, deadliest catch, a love sac, a nerf bow & arrow, phone call from alaska, a fat boy (as in the ice cream sandwhich)=a perfect evening.

"jesus take the wheel..."

sunday night the plan was wings to-go from roosters. to-go to eden to eat wings and watch baby mama with jaymee, nat, tony and colleen. a-plus group of people. we got to tony and colleen's a bit on the late side so everybody was hungry. starving. we ate first of course. 5 orders of wings. the roosters people thought we were nuts. we probably are. this video of me shooting louisiana hot sauce may prove that...

we ended up laughing so much. having so much fun together that well, baby mama fell to the wayside. we didn't watch it. there was too much fun to be had, a sunset to watch, new friends to be made, a drum circle to listen to. really there was just to much other stuff. baby mama will still be there the next time we hang out. i'm sure.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Wow. Has anybody looked at the calendar lately? I just glanced at the date on my phone. It's July 13th already!!! On Thursday this month will be half over. It seriously feels like moments ago it was July 1st and I couldn't believe that June was already over. Summer is going crazy fast. I'm okay with that. I've had ooodles of fun and there's more where that came from. Seems like every single day fun happens from start to finish. That's probably why every day is here and gone in what seems like a flash.

I'm looking forward to the arrival of September 2nd. 52 days and counting. Summer can pass as quickly as it wants according to me. I can't wait for time with my people. If time keeps up as it is I'll be in Cincinnati in no time. I will miss touch down Jesus though. The poor guy burned. I hope is charred remains are still standing. I would like a picture to remember that by.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

how fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes...

today was crazy. scary. nuts. well. really shook me up.

i decided yesterday to ride the north ogden divide. first time this year. of course. since chalk creek and little red riding hood are quite literally the ONLY two rides that i've been on this summer. after yesterday's speeding ticket i decided that it was high time to get in shape. today was the day and the divide was the place. since i slept in until NOON i finally hit the road at 2pm. I started at the bottom of the divide around 3pm.

the climbing began. to begin on more intermediate terrain would have made much more sense. but then i wouldn't have felt as tough as i felt climbing the divide. and i wouldn't have been there to help ted. both of these things were important to me today. though i couldn't have known that latter.

i slowly. but surely. climbed. i stopped frequently to relax my chest which felt like it was being held in a vice. weird. out of shape. i ate a lot of shot blocks. drank a lot of water. did all the right things. and kept pushing on. as i approached the half way mark of the climb i came to a gravel pull out and stopped. to rest, of course. it was probably my third rest stop of the climb so far. but i was half way there now. making progress. as i stood on the side of the road with my thoughts. drinking my water. eating my shot blocks. i looked up at the very same moment as a loud POP was heard.

meet ted.
i saw a man on a bike. i saw his bike shoot out from under him at the sound of the pop. he followed the bike. sliding across the pavement. through the gravel. coming to rest when he collided with the side of the mountain. i saw it. i saw it all. before he had even come to rest my adrenaline was pumping. i ran across the road to him. "are you okay?" he groaned as he stood up. he hadn't lost consciousness. i was thankful for that. his elbows were scraped and bleeding. not bad considering. he looked great otherwise. said he was okay. a motorist who had also seen the accident had turned around and come back to help also.

ted was bummed about the blown out tire and his bleeding elbows but said he'd just call his wife to come pick him up. he called his wife. didn't give us any decisive information on the phone call or it's contents. mr. motorist asked if we could call a medic just to give him a once over and make sure that everything was okay. ted said no. he was fine. his wife was coming.

then it began.
"did i wreck my bike?" "yeah ted. you had a blow out."
"where are we?" "the north ogden divide." "that's what i thought." (less than a minute after he'd called his wife and told her where to come and pick him up on the divide.)
i looked at mr. motorist and we agreed that we needed medical help. i began to worry for ted. ted was alone. except for strangers. probably scared. he couldn't remember anything. poor guy. i thought about how frightened i would be. and how badly i would want my loved ones to be with me. to lessen the fear. while mr. motorist made the 911 call i stayed with ted. he asked me 4 more times if he'd wrecked his bike. i got tears in my eyes. was he going to be okay? how bad were his injuries? really. was he scared? i was so concerned about that. then ted called his wife again.

meet joan.
when ted called her again, having no idea that he'd just talked to her, she knew something was wrong. i could hear her through the phone. ted handed me the phone. "she wants to talk to you." i told her we'd just called the ambulance. they were on their way. i could hear them crossing the valley below. i related ted's condition to her as honest as possible. without causing undue fear. i did the best i could. then joan told me. "i'm sending our son over from huntsville. don't let them take him in the ambulance. we don't have a job or health insurance." oh boy. i cared about these strangers. it's kinda weird what happens to the human heart when you find yourself in such a situation.

the ambulance and paramedics arrived. i told them what joan told me. they did their thing. they seemed concerned about ted's injuries. i kept hoping against hope that ted's son would get there. i felt like ted needed someone. someone he loved. someone he knew. to comfort him. the medics asked him lots of questions. i think the only thing he got right was his name. he was at a loss for all of the others. "who is the president of the united states?" "i forget." the paramedics told ted several times that they needed to take him to the hospital. he said he was okay. just needed to call his wife to come and pick him up. so the paramedics called his wife. whew. took the pressure off of me. they told joan all about ted's condition. she got it. it was relatively serious.

they loaded ted up on the gurney. still no son. joan was meeting him at the hospital. ted was still alone. probably in a fair amount of pain. but he began to show signs of humor as they loaded him into the ambulance. ted will probably be okay. but i haven't stopped wondering about him since i watched the ambulance take him away. as i pedaled the rest of the way up the divide i looked into the faces of all the motorists coming down the divide. one of them must have been ted's son. i know he and joan live in layton. maybe i'll take him a gift certificate to bingham's cyclery. to help him buy a new helmet. since his cracked down the middle like an egg. coulda been his noggin. thank god for helmets. thank god ted was okay. and thank god that mr. motorist and i were there to help him out.

rock on ted.

Friday, July 9, 2010

It's alright, no one's got it all

A week in the Land of Brooke.

This has been a great week. I can finally, assuredly say that I am most certainly back on the upswing. Things were REAL touch and go for a while. Perhaps the last month. It could be referred to as a whole month of Mondays. Or like PMSing for an entire month...only with just the mood issues. Not the other stuff that goes with that. Anyway, what's done is done. I must say that there was a moment in time when I was worried. I lost my desire. My motivation. My will. Pretty much everything that is important to my continuance to live. It really is pretty remarkable that I survived.

Okay, now that I've made that ridiculously dramatic. Let's move on. What's been happening this week in my world...besides getting my regular life and person back...
I was assigned a new territory at work. Goodbye East Coast; hello sunny West Coast. Looking forward to working with new reps and accounts. Wahoo.
The boys have all shifted thier desks around here at the office. I stayed. The desk behind me is now empty. Waiting for the new hire. They wanted me close. To help train. Yikes. No pressure though. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they hire another girl. We need to even things out in this joint.
They left for Alaska yesterday. I'm glad for them. Still excited for me. To one day see it. The last frontier. Maybe next summer.
Braymee Allen will be reunited as a whole this weekend. I can't wait. To say the least.
There was a FREE Modest Mouse concert in SLC last night. Jaymee and I went. It was great. Of course. They were sniffing drinks at the gate. Didn't think I was gonna get my vodka and Sprite past them. But I did.

I got a speeding ticket this morning on the way to work. Might be karma getting me back for sneaking a drink into the concert. Or for not riding my bike enough this year. Either way. I'm riding my bike more. Starting. NOW.

I think that's most of the goings-on in my little world. It's good. Life is happy. That's all.

Monday, July 5, 2010

what happened to thinkin' that the world was flat?

i just had a surreal experience. i found out that my friends who just moved here from portland know the kara lady! like know her as in they were next door neighbors several years ago. that's like being on a bike tour in the middle of nowhere southern utah and meeting the college roommate of the person who filled the empty shoes of your mother when you were in high school. IN IOWA! weird. crazy. makes you want another shot of tequila.
so. there i was. sitting at the elggren's kitchen counter. it was the 4th of july. i'd gone to a party the night before. i was telling stories of the eve and showing pictures that had been posted by friends on facebook. i made mention of my friend diane a few times. even her daughter zoe. as i flipped through pictures on the computer screen colleen looked on. i was glad she humored me by looking. suddenly colleen asked if my friend diane was diane downhour... uh, just a refresher, colleen and tony have just moved to utah from portland. where they have lived for the last eight years. so when the words "diane downhour" came out of colleen's mouth. followed by tony spouting off the address where i had hung out the night before. it was a little crazy. okay. a lot crazy. maybe even nutty. after the initial shock wore off it was explained that the elggrens and the downhours were neighbors in salt lake before the elggrens moved to portland. explaining why the address could be so easily rehearsed. omg! this is real.

of course we called diane. had a good laugh. and had another shot of tequila in honor of the downhours. it's a small world. on that sunday in utah there were not six degrees of separation. first thing's first. now i look forward to hanging out with all of them at once. i cannot believe it. whew. after telling the story again i think i need another shot of tequila.